English Professors vs. Cats: A Serious Evaluation
1. CATS: Sleep for eighteen hours per day; hunt mice/insects/birds/toys/their own tails for the other six.
ENGLISH PROFESSORS: Sleep for eight hours per day; read/write/grade/teach/deal with students/gossip with colleagues/feed cats (hmm)/spend time with family/etc./etc./etc. the other sixteen.
NOTES: Cats have far more leisure time and far fewer responsibilities.
ADVANTAGE: Cats.
2. CATS: Wear soft fur coats at all times.
ENGLISH PROFESSORS: Wear black at all times.
NOTES: Fur is inconvenient during the summer, but black suggests an inability to coordinate colors.
ADVANTAGE: Draw.
3. CATS: Standard conversation: "Meow meow urr urrrRRRrrr meow!"
ENGLISH PROFESSORS: Standard conversation: "Under the reign of transnationalist capitalism, the normative discursive structures of the English classroom have been subsumed by neo-Fordian practices."
NOTES: The average human is more likely to understand the cat.
ADVANTAGE: Cats.
4. CATS: Demand attention from their humans at inconvenient moments.
ENGLISH PROFESSORS: Demand attention from their department chairs at inconvenient moments.
NOTES: The cats are cuter, but the English professor may obtain more money with which to support the cats.
ADVANTAGE: English professors, by a small margin.
5. CATS: May have their picture posted on Cute Overload.
ENGLISH PROFESSORS: May receive chili peppers at Rate My Professor.
NOTES: Cats are unable to appreciate the honor in question.
ADVANTAGE: English professors.
6. CATS: Become annoyed if their humans deviate from well-established routines.
ENGLISH PROFESSORS: Become annoyed if their administration deviates from well-established routines.
NOTES: Ultimately, the cats have an easier time adjusting.
ADVANTAGE: Cats.
7. CATS: May depart for a new residence if their humans refuse to behave appropriately.
ENGLISH PROFESSORS: May depart for a new university if their administrations/colleagues refuse to behave appropriately.
NOTES: The cats can depart with considerably less effort, not to mention less paperwork.
ADVANTAGE: Cats.
8. CATS: Presume that humans will obey orders.
ENGLISH PROFESSORS: Presume that students will obey orders.
NOTES: The cat is usually correct in its assessment of the situation.
ADVANTAGE: Cats, definitely.
9. CATS: Defend themselves with claws and teeth.
ENGLISH PROFESSORS: Defend themselves with pens and pixels. And, occasionally, teeth.
NOTES: Claws are more painful, but words have longer-lasting effects.
ADVANTAGE: English professors.
10. CATS: Insist on eating only one kind of food, at one particular hour of the day, at one specific location in the kitchen.
ENGLISH PROFESSORS: Insist on teaching only one section of Brit Lit II, at one particular hour of the day, at one specific location in the office building.
NOTES: Cats generally get their way in these matters.
ADVANTAGE: Cats.