How to Write a CoHE "First Person" Essay: A Handy Multiple-Choice Guide
While the CoHE has printed its share of worthy essays in the "First Person" section, there is nevertheless a certain type of essay--melancholy, sulky, or otherwise gloomy--that frequently elicits strong reactions of a not altogether positive nature. This evening, while on a break from executing Anne Boleyn, it occurred to me that we could save future writers for the CoHE considerable time and effort by supplying an easy-to-follow guide. For example:
1. I am
___ writing under a clever pseudonym
___ writing under an uninspired pseudonym
___ using my own name
2. At present, I am
___ tenured, unfortunately, at a wonderful college
___ tenured, unfortunately, at the campus from hell
___ tenured, unfortunately, at an institution that fails to appreciate my scintillating qualities
___ untenured, unfortunately, at a wonderful college
___ untenured, unfortunately, at the campus from hell
___ untenured, unfortunately, at an institution that fails to appreciate my scintillating qualities
___ a much put-upon administrator
___ a recently-fired (without cause!) administrator
3. I'm terribly, terribly unhappy, because
___ I thought life after tenure would be bliss, and it's just the same-old, same-old
___ my colleagues fail to appreciate my scintillating qualities
___ there's a poststructuralist/Marxist/cultural materialist/New Historicist/Lacanian/ deconstructionist/other in my department
___ there isn't a poststructuralist/Marxist/cultural materialist/New Historicist/Lacanian/ deconstructionist/other in my department
___ there are politics! in academia!
___ if I had been born fifty years ago, there would have been no politics! in academia!
___ if I had been born fifty years ago, there would have been my kind of politics! in academia!
___ academic work isn't all about Twoo Wuv for your subject
___ people are so mean to me
___ students don't appreciate all the effort I put into teaching them
4. I can prove that what I say is true, because
___ I have personal anecdotes
___ I'm going to reveal confidential data from job searches and personnel decisions
___ the CoHE published this essay, and therefore it must be true
5. Blogging is
___ a sign of the imminent Apocalypse
___ not done by trustworthy people
___ not done by employable people
___ ...what is a blog?
6. Everything would be so much better if
___ someone granted me an endowed chair at a research university with a 2-2 load
___ I gave up tenure to farm sheep in New Zealand
___ everybody published scholarship of interest to me
___ being in graduate school was all about Twoo Wuv
___ students were really interested in the Meaning of Life
7. But none of this will happen, because
___ I'm not politically correct
___ sheep give me hives
___ nobody cares about academics like me
___ graduate school is all about politics!
___ students these days just can't appreciate the Sheer Joy of Learning
8. Still, at least I can tell you that the Little Professor will be invited to write an essay for the CoHE when
___ pigs fly
___ cats obey orders
___ professors in the English department make more money than professors in the Business department