Columns for which Inside Higher Ed should give me money

After reading this postmodern contribution to contemporary discourse on the state of higher education, I believe that it's time for me to pitch a few ideas to IHE.  To clarify matters, of course, I will identify the allegorical correspondences between my columns' ostensible subjects and their real meanings.

• Today, I threw a lot of toy catnip mice for my three new kittens.  They charged up and down the room, looking excited.  (How to conduct effective college orientation sessions for incoming students)
• Getting your old car repaired can be really expensive.  (What's the best way of raising funds to replace aging campus infrastructure?)
• How many of you have baked brownies and discovered that they just wouldn't set? (Counseling faculty with research productivity problems)
• I hate carrots.  (Faculty resistance to assessment procedures)
• Is there anything more refreshing than a can of icy soda on a hot day? But too much soda can have consequences for your health.  (Pros and cons of merit increases)
• Mac or PC? (Online vs. face-to-face instruction)
• The weather.  How about it, eh? (The problem of course evaluations)